i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
babies were throwing up all over the place
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
