there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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