yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
he shaved USA in his pubs
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
