My Higher Power is John Stamos
im holly from the hills drunk
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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