the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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