I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Houston, we have a squirter
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Randomize
