she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
