he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
