The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
