At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
