Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
The uberlube is also flammable
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
