Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Randomize
