just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
it's great music for shaving your balls
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize