I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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