hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
