I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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