Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
