why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
