4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize