i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
