moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Randomize
