So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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