Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
