my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
