Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
