I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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