btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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