he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
