Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
