You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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