GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
