I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
