Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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