dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize