all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
