if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
