you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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