Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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