i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
