physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
