If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
