I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
