No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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