everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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