I'm going to rape someone's good day.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
