I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
