a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
I'm really busy with my period
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