new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
