there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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