cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize