I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
