I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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