upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
