My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
