allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Bring me that man meat
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
