im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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