I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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