grandma shit on top of the toilet
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
